Eva Rose

It has only been 2 months since you left us.  I know that you are happy in heaven but the loss hangs so heavy on my heart.  The day you left seems like an eternity and yet at times it seems like only yesterday.  I am sorry you are gone.  I am not sorry that you are no longer in pain.  I am sorry for your mother who misses you so. I cannot even imagine her pain.  You grew inside of her, clung to her, looked to her, laughed with her, brought your hurts to her.  She lived and breathed you, built her life around you, thought of her future through your eyes.  Janelle loved you so, and had plans for you.  She wondered in her heart where you could go.  Recently she started to wonder aloud, too.  She was looking into schools for your future, even though you were only 3, she looked forward, forward to a life with you.  Your mom set up the house around your needs, set her life around your needs, scheduled her comings and goings around you.  And, no, she didn't mind.  She considered it an honor to be your mother.  But you know all of this, how much she loved you, how much she understood you, the delight she took in your milestones.  And now, how much she misses you.
 I do too!  I wanted to see you at Christmas.  I wanted to shop for you, buy you things, run out to the ice cream truck with you and watch you make your choice, just like I did with your mother.  I wanted to spoil you, hold you, laugh with you, hug you, applaud your heroic giant steps into your life, sing to you, play with you, read to you, watch you grow into a young woman.  Oh, but I wanted to see you be all that you could be.  But, what if all you could be was the angel who taught us to love, reminded us of the value of unconditional love; what if that is who you are and now you are the angel you were born to be, but now not on earth, you smile down from heaven.
Who am I to question, who am I to try to know, who am I to try to stop you, who am I to rage against a Sovereign God's wisdom, who am I to be angry and selfish, who am I to grieve.... when you are in His hands.  Who am I to question who He is and His wisdom.  Who am I but just someone who loves you and misses you so.  I rejoice in the time we had together and I am so thankful to your mother for sharing time with me, letting me get to know you.  What a gift she shared with me.  I will always be grateful to Janelle for  her generosity and insights.  I cherish every memory and every moment we had together.  I love you today as I did when you were here.  I pray that your mother finds the comfort and peace she needs and knows that she has done everything that there ever could be done for you and lifts her head up to the heavens to receive the blessings from God that are hers.  Shine on, my little star.  Angel unawares. Dance, tiny dancer, dance on.

What an awesome season and the reason for the season, that would conspire to bring joy to the whole world. 

Merry Christmas.  May the peace of Christ Jesus shine in your life. 

Who

You see my every move,
even out of the corner of Your eye,
You can cast about the universe,
and where ever I am, whatever the time,
however I may try to hide,
You see all I do
yet you love me still.

The thought of meeting
You face to face
stops me in my tracks.
What would I say, where could I hide,
You know even my thoughts I haven't expressed
You know the hurts inside,
the joys I haven't earned.

You know my dreams, you know my faults;
my failures you forgive
my triumphs are yours
I have nothing to bring
my praises seem so small;
When I look to heavens and see
that you have created it all.
The skies, the stars the moon
and below, the oceans and reefs
the mountains so strong
the sand, each grain, staying in its place
is all by your command.

Each sunrise and sunset is cued by your mighty Hand
every season is ordered and every snowflake is by your design.
I am amazed by who You are and all that you do, the power that exists
in even one finger of your hand
yet You love me still
and hear my cries
You answer my prayers
and forgive my debts and
lift me up out of mires
When all I have to offer you is my emptiness,
You, oh my Lord and God,
even fill that up with your wonderous mercy and grace.
You are my God and I am your sheep.
Lead me, please God, all of my days,
that I might rest in Your dwelling place.

Birthday Thoughts for Eva

Eva Rose, child of God, daughter of Janelle, precious little one on loan for just a while, now gone from this earth, but heaven bound.  Yesterday would have been your 4th birthday.  I miss you dearly.  I had planned on buying you gifts and being there with you to celebrate the day with you and your family.  But now I am forced to think about the gift you have been to us and celebrate the fact that we had you here with us, to touch our hearts, teach us and help us grow in ways we could never imagine.  I feel tears in my eyes, but they are less from sadness at the loss of you here and more in wonder of the grace of our Soveriegn God who hears our prayers, listens and brings us to Him and knowing that you are with Him.   December 4, 2011

Eva Rose

December 10, 2011

Eva Rose, child of God,
daughter of Janelle,
precious little one on loan for a while,
now gone from this earth, heaven bound. 
Yesterday would have been your 4th birthday. 
I miss you dearly.  I had plans of being there with you
to celebrate the day with you and your family.
But now I am forced to think about the gift you have been to us
and celebrate the fact that we had you here with us,
how you touched our hearts, taught us and helped
us grow in ways we could never imagine. 
I feel tears in my eyes, but they are less from sadness at the loss of you
here and more in wonder of the grace of our Soveriegn God who hears our prayers,
listens and brings us to Him.