January 28, 2011

Sitting in the breakfast nook, reading emails, devotions, having my tea..... I look out the window and a deer bounds past the window and across the street.  No sooner does he make it across, then out bounds another one, leaping through the snow and across the street.  It was 7 a.m. and those poor things were still looking for food.  Everything is covered with snow and the deer are eating everything in sight.   The other night I was awakened by a crunching sound, over and over.  I finally got up looked out the window; there were deer eating the yew, others standing on their hind legs eating the bark.  The snow was frozen and they were having a difficult time walking, crunching through the crusted, iced over snow.  This has been a tough winter.  It snowed all day today, but since it was warm, the snow melted before it hit the ground, up until this evening when the temperature dropped. 
I can't believe today.  I have never been more conflicted or confused in my life.  

The Unthinkable

No matter how many times I go over what happened yesterday, I can't reconcile the events.  I am reeling.  I think all of us are.  I talked to the attorneys for a bit, and all I can say, is desperate men to desperate things in desperate times.  But I never thought of my boss as a desperate person.  I don't think they would lie, but I don't think my boss is stupid enough to use emails to do what it is alleged he did.  So, all in all, I don't know what to think, not at all.  The entire situation is very unsettling and conflicted.  Now he is gone and we didn't get a chance to say goodbye.  Things are going to change and I don't mind change, especially when for the better.  But, if they are changing for the sake of changing, or if they are experimenting, then I have concerns.  We will see. 

Snow, snow, snow and Gizmo

It snowed all day yesterday.  Luckily it was light snow and the ground was warm so it only stuck on trees and grass until the night time temperature drop. 
I took Gizmo to the vet today and $259.00 dollars later, he is home and still has more work to be done.  Two more teeth have to go, and that will be another $300.00 this Wednesday.  I talked to my vet about spreading the payments out over the next few weeks, but he can't do it.  It appears that he took quite a hit last year.  The economy being what it is, people were not paying their bills as promised; he even had to let someone go.  He also told about a friend who is a paralegal in the city with 20 years experience who was let go recently and she is struggling.  All in all I don't see where the economy is better.  They let an attorney and 4 other employees go from my workplace, hours are cut, no raises or bonuses... How is the economy better?  Am I wrong in finding that things are bad all over strangely reassuring but disconcerting at the same time?

More snow, more changes

I can't believe that tomorrow is my boss' last day.  I am not dealing well with this change.   No one here is.

Today I asked Jerry what to do about a federal case; which attorney would be working it, but he couldn't tell me because the powers that be hadn't let him know.  The timelines on the Federal cases are more strict, the clock is ticking and he can't give me the answer I need to proceed.  We talked a bit and he is really fit to be tied.  He could have helped with the transition for the client's; but since they didn't let him know about the division of his responsibilities, he really can't.  Very frustrating - for all of us.
Oh, and it's still snowing.

January: Snowuary

Yes, more snow.  Tuesday, Wednesday.  I really can't believe this winter.  This is more snow than I have seen in years. 
Friday is my boss's last day.  This is really difficult.  While I don't know what my future is, I do know that God has only good for me.  Being human, I really want to see what is in store or at least understand what is going on, but I don't and I can't.  I just have to go by faith.  That was the message in today's service.  Stop struggling, and believe.  While I have the utmost faith in my God, I have to wonder what it is like for Jerry, my boss, to be trying to deal with this on his own.  I know his wife and I know she is very supportive of Jerry, but still when you only have yourself, it has to be very scary.  Jerry brought his parents up here from the city, purchased them a condo in the same complex as his so he could check on them during the day and in the evening.  Now, he may have to go back to the city since he had his parents move up to the same condos so he could check on them.  I don't know how much longer my position will last. 

More Snow and Ice... and a Migraine

More snow and ice, and I woke up at 3 a.m. with a killer migraine.  Needless to say, I could not go to work.  That will back things up nicely, but I am very organized and keep my diary up to date, so I should be able to catch up quickly.  I just hate falling behind and hate calling in. 
The landscape is beautiful, with its ice coverings.  I wanted to take some more pictures, but my screens don't open and I really didn't want to become one with the ice and I have so many of the bird feeders and wooded area in the side back area.  Well, now they are forecasting rain, then more snow.  The migraine is fading so hopefully, I can get to work early and catch up some.  The atmosphere at work is unsettling to say the least.   Time will tell if I am right.  Now, to do some yoga. 

And Now to the Workplace Drama

This morning I received an email from my boss.  He wants me to know that his last day is the 28th.  I knew he was walking around wanting to tell us something.  This is awful.  He is so good with people, but not only us, with everyone.  Each and every person he speaks to is his concern, his focus, whether a client or an employee.  This is going to be very hard.  Especially since I don't know where I stand.

Well, Something Happened Between Here and Now!

January 14, 2011 Lexionary

Service today was fantastic.  I love this church; I learn so much, not only about what is in the Bible, but how to learn from the Bible . 
Work is very strange.  My manager looks at me as if he wants to say something, but then, hesitates and stops, turns and goes on about his business.  I think he knows something and wants us to know also, but can't say anything.  He recently told someone he wasn't in charge.  I guess that is how I would feel if someone let several people in my department go and I didn't know about it until they were preparing to depart. 
From what I know having worked at BWG when they closed down this location and the law on mass layoffs, (notice, employees who are past a certain age, etc.) I would say that they are not done, but have to pace it out, to look like they are trying to salvage this department, but couldn't.   What I do know is that what we were told about not receiving a bonus or a raise, (across the board) so that everyone could keep their jobs is not true as they let 4 people go.  I also know that with all the pleadings up to date, most cases in suit, other cases being settled, they could refer these out, receive their fee, (2/3) and close the department.   This is very unsettling. 

In the end, all I can say, is that counting on man will disappoint, but keeping eyes on God and His will, will never disappoint. 

A Long Weekend, Much Needed

I am so glad this is a 3 day weekend.  They are threatening another snowy day; the squirrels are tearing through the snow, looking for their buried food, fighting over each acorn and nut.  There is one squirrel diligently working and finding food and another is attacking him every time he finds one.  The first working squirrel has walked away several times, but now, not so much.  He leaped into the air, turning mid-air and attacked his attacker with a fury.  I guess he had enough.  They run out of sight, but a few minutes later the worker squirrel returns, digging through the snow, and coming up with something that he can now consume peacefully.  I don't know if I would have waited all those times before I let the attacker have my anger.  But then, I am not a squirrel. 

The snow accumulation amounted to a dusting, but that's okay.  I have a lot of cleaning to do, anyway, and I am figuring out a way to re-arrange my house.  But first, I have to finish making earrings for my sister.  Amethyst.  I finished the necklace and printed out a picture of her to put on the gift bag.  Birthdays are a great way to celebrate our love for each other.  And, we are going to the Chit Chat Diner!!  That is at  15 Essex Street, Hackensack, NJ!!!  Awesome food.  Great people.  Can't wait to see my sister's face when I give her the amethyst necklace and earrings; I really hope she likes it.  Migraine is building; I don't know how I will feel in the morning, but I am fighting it.  Looking forward to service.

Limping Along

Today had 2 left feet and limped us all along. 
Everyone wanted to wear a cape
and reign from the hero's chair
everyone wants to escape and
walk the aisles without a care.
Your sister, your father, your mother, your brother
will turn their back on you
when you stand up and walk the path,
no more smiling, no more crying,
no more trying to ease their wrath. 
Time has come, when day is done
for truth for once be won.

More snow.  Should be about a foot by the time I wake up. 
Work?  I don't know.  I will just have to wait and see. 
If they plow and I can drive, then off to work I go.
If not, hi-ho, hi-ho.
I really don't know what direction the bosses are taking;
my position is vulnerable to say the least,

but, I will trust God.

Another Day in Paradise

We are expecting another snowstorm.  I am also expecting more layoffs.  It could just as well be me, looking at the situation logically, I am the last one hired in my department, Carol has 30 years experience against my 10 years and if the case load shrinks anymore, if we don't get replacements for the cases were are settling, then what is the expectation for the longevity of the department? 
On a happy note?  I know that everything is in God's hands and He will not drop me. 

Last night, before I fell off to sleep, I asked God "What could I possibly do for You?" 
In the morning, as I awoke, a still small voice inside of me said, "Look at what I have done with the acorn."     

January 7, 2011 Snow Showers

The snow showers were not as predicted.  The DOT closed my main route home with the estimated time for closure: 4 hours due to a jack knifed tractor trailer.  It could have been worse.  Instead of HR calling me with that dreaded news, I could have been on the interstate, tied up in the "delay"; I don't call that a "delay".   My boss was wondering when I would be going home and my HR department called to tell me that they would soon be leaving.  I looked out the window at the swirling snow, noting the accumulation was about the same as the blizzard of a week ago, although the weather people were reluctant to call this snowfall a storm, and kept referring to it as  snow showers.  What other profession, other than meteorologists, could you ever be so wrong at your job and predictions, and be welcomed back with open arms the next day?  At my job, if I was that wrong, and consistently, I might add, if I was that wrong, then I would be fired.  But not so for these people; they are welcomed back day in and day out, and, even give raises.  
I finally did leave work , taking Route 17K all the way down to Montgomery, then onto Route 211 for a long and windy ride home.  The first 10 miles were slippery and treacherous, but really beautiful.  The trees lining the roadway were outlined in thick, fluffy snow, and the houses were quietly framed in the white, silencing fluff that so many fear.  The driving pace out of Newburgh was slow, with poor traction.  It took about 20 minutes to go 4 miles, but people were surprisingly respectful of each other's space and pace, and we all traveled safely.  When I arrived at Montgomery, the roads were pretty clear.  I was actually driving on pavement, then on to Middletown area, and again, the roads were plowed.  Surprisingly, it only took about an hour to travel home 24 miles; not that bad a time, considering.  Apparently, Montgomery and Middletown still know how to plow their roadways. 
There is something quieting about snowfall, that makes me want to be snowed in with my writing, meditations, jewelry designing, reading and maybe a few friends, just to curl up with a book and make to world go away  But maybe just for a little while, until I could find serenity.

I went outside to take some pictures of the birds, flitting about, (the birds, not me) feeder to feeder, the snow on the trees, but when the wind kicked up decided better of it, until the next day.  Then I was able to capture the deer tracks crossing with the rabbits and raccoons, squirrels; the deer really did a number on the Yews and rhododendrons.  They are this hungry and it is only the beginning of January?  Really, with all of the fields and woods around, they choose to come into a neighborhood and find their food?  There is a farm down the road, Distelberger's Cattle farm; you would think the deer would want to try their luck at the farm with the cows having their hay outside, but no.  They travel all the way across the fields to eat the domesticated landscape.  Maybe they just thrive on adventure.

The Gift

The radio announcer told the legend of The Epiphany this morning;  in Spain and Holland the children would put their shoes out at night for the Magi to leave them gifts.  Then in the morning the children would go out and find presents in their shoes.  I thought of my good friend Robin, our shoe fashionista, and wondered how long it would take her to put out her shoes.  When I arrived at work, I told her my thoughts; she laughed and said she wouldn't do that as there would be nothing left for anyone else!

What interests me about the story of the Magi is there are 2 different versions of the story in the bible and neither one really pinpoints the arrival of the Wise Men or the age of the baby Jesus.  Some historians say He would be a toddler, which makes sense to me.  Why else would Herod order all the boys 2 and under slain and not just the newborns?

Journey of the Magi

- T.S. Eliot

A cold coming we had of it,

Just the worst time of the year

For a journey, and such a long journey:

The ways deep and the weather sharp,

The very dead of winter.

And the camels galled, sore-footed, refractory,

Lying down in the melting snow.

There were times when we regretted

The summer palaces on slopes, the terraces,

And the silken girls bringing sherbet.

Then the camel men cursing and grumbling

And running away, and wanting their liquor and women,

And the night-fires going out, and the lack of shelters,

And the cities dirty and the towns unfriendly

And the villages dirty and charging high prices:

A hard time we had of it.

At the end we preferred to travel all night,

Sleeping in snatches,

With the voices singing in our ears, saying

That this was all folly.

Then at dawn we came down to a temperate valley,

Wet, below the snow line, smelling of vegetation;

With a running stream and a water mill beating the darkness,

And three trees on the low sky,

And an old white horse galloped away in the meadow.

Then we came to a tavern with vine-leaves over the lintel,

Six hands at an open door dicing for pieces of silver,

And feet kicking the empty wineskins.

But there was no information, and so we continued

And arrived at evening, not a moment too soon

Finding the place; it was (you may say) satisfactory.

All this was a long time ago, I remember,

And I would do it again, but set down

This set down

This: were we led all that way for

Birth or Death? There was a Birth, certainly,

We had evidence and no doubt. I had seen birth and death,

But had thought they were different; this Birth was

Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our death.

We returned to our places, these Kingdoms,

But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation,

With an alien people clutching their gods.

I should be glad of another death.

It's Only the Fourth Day of January

It is only the fourth day of January and I not only am I tired of winter and looking for spring, but the events of the last 2 days have left me emotionally exhausted.  If it wasn't for my relationship with God, I would be devastated.  The people left at work have a great relationship and work ethic which makes the happenings a little bit easier.  A paralegal that has been with the firm longer than I have was let go.  Even though I feel vulnerable, my faith keeps me focused and confident in my future.  I have learned not to count on mankind, but to look to God for all things. 
Time for a dinner break, since it is past 9 p.m.  Whoa, wait a minute, it is past 10 p.m.  After exercise, shower, laundry and preparing for the next day, I have really lost track of time. No wonder I am so hungry! 
In the end all I can say is counting on man will always disappoint, but looking to God will never disappoint.  
And tomorrow is a new day........ 

Waiting for Spring

Another January Sunday morning, preparing for service, waiting for spring, the snow melting, birds at the feeders, hanging off of the suet wires.  Out on the front lawn a squirrel is climbing a thin, dead, broken branch, that is hanging down the side of the tree, moving upward.  How he had the faith to believe he would make it up the dead branch, I don't know.  He never lost a step.  I sipped my tea as I  watched the snow flurries swirl by my window.  I had enough time to finish my breakfast and tea, get dressed and head out to church. 
My feelings are mixed, my emotions hang in a peculiar balance; the loss of two friends at work is more difficult than I can fathom.  I don't know what is going to happen at work and for now, I am not going to think about that.  I had a feeling that there was more to come.  Another employee that I didn't know  that well was let go also; I have worked with management in other jobs and what was happening did not make sense.  These are the things that make me feel very vulnerable; when one thing is said, and another thing happens. 
Unseasonably warm weather for the past two days have melted most of the snow.  Ugly dirty piles line the streets and the grass shows through the mud on the lawn, trying as hard as it can to look green.  But we are better off than the city; we don't have mini mountains of garbage outside of our house.
By sundown on December 26th, year after year, I start counting the days to spring.  I love that the days are getting longer, I love that I can look forward to spring.  I also love being snowed in and having the time to read, write, talk to friends, walk to neighbors' houses, dream; the list goes on.  But for today, I wait for spring and take down the Christmas decorations, pack away the tree, but leave up the candles in the windows until the Epiphany, while I await my own epiphany. 

Service this morning was good.  The worship was fantastic, as usual.  A newly ordained preacher from our church gave the proclamation.  But as all newly ordained, there was a weakness and hesitation about the sermon that could not be denied.  The Goodwill Church that I attend is newly built, with a large campus; the original church was built in 1735, the first pastor was Rev. Joseph Houston.  Our pastor today, January 2, 2011 is Pastor John Torres.  The message is the same.  Jesus saves.  God loves you, just you, just the way you are; you don't have to be perfect, you just have to be you, coming to Him.  Talk to Him, listen for Him.  Get to know Him. Enjoy the life He has given you.  Wait for Him, even if you think He isn't there.  He is.

http://www.goodwillchurch.org/

Winter Blog

Large white faced Herdford cattle dotted the winter landscape along the hillside; their thick, curly, red coats made them easy to see on the newly fallen white snow.  They pawed at the snow and slowly stomped their way across the hillside.  The wind scattered snow about in a light swirl as the cattle shook their heads at the cold and raised their faces to the sun.  The wind whipped around the small heard again as they moved together for warmth.  The horses plowed through the drift towards the cattle, then turned towards the barns down the hill, moving into the barn for shelter, their plaid blankets would not be warm enough for what was coming.  The cattle, lowing, followed the horses, lumbering through the snow.  A sudden gust of wind pushed snow into their faces, forcing them to close their eyes while the horses bucked and whinnied into the morning sun as they romped towards their barn.  A new snow storm was brewing and the animals wanted to be inside sooner than later.  But for right now, the sun was dancing off the barn’s tin roof and the sky was blue and inviting.   The sheep were already snuggled inside, safe and warm while a brave ram peered out of the doorway into the cold where his breath hung in the air.  The rest of the flock huddled in a room farthest from the doorway, putting a wall between the cold and where they rested. 

Icicles hung from the barn and house roof, trimming each building with holiday glitter; the cattle headed towards shelter stepping into the leader's foot prints.  The hawks, done circling, headed for their nests.  A squirrel chased his food rival across the frozen snow, eager to get the last morsel of food for himself before hunkering down for the storm, not that the squirrel really knew where that nut or acorn was, but if it was there, it would be his. 

Nowhere could I see a human.  Lights burned inside of the farmhouse and the mountains got ready for another blizzard.  I drove down Route 84 in the ruts the trucks had left for weary travelers and headed for home.   I had just traveled up from Long Island having been challenged by a coastal storm, up the Cross Island, over the icy bridges, after a wonderful Christmas Day visit with my niece and her fiancée.  I was eager to get home after 4 hours on the road; just one more leg to this journey.  The hills rolled in glistening white; their serene beauty had a calming effect as I drove through the wind and snow; it had been the best Christmas Day ever.